Soap is not a condiment
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
