Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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