im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
