reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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