I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
