i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I am midnight drunk by noon
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
