Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
