Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
