I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
