Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
