onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
