i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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