I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
