We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
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I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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