Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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