my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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