i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
