i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
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