i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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