I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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