So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
