I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
