She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
