First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
