If i could tip my vagina, i would.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
