I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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