It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
