At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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