I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
