Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
