I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
