i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
