I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
