remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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