She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
