Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
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