Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
