I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
