The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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