My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
