we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
