You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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