They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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