I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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