Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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