what day is it and did you see me today?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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