1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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