You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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