Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Never joke about your clitoris.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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