She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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