No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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