Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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