is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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