apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
