Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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