Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
