shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The feeling are messing with the penis
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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