update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
