when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
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