can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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