WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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