Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
