New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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