Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
